Breadcrumb #539
K. JOFFRÉ
18 Job Search and Interview Tips for People Who No Longer Believe in Meritocracy:
1. The most common interview question you will receive is “tell me about yourself.” Answer the question with confidence; talk about your job, your life, and try to avoid the pupils of the hiring manager as they drift over the surface of your skin as they try to discern why they don’t trust you.
2. When meeting with hiring managers or recruiters, shake their hand firmly, strongly, as if your grip and theirs form an ancestral bond of warriors and cavemen. If you are a woman attempt to do the same in a pale imitation of men. If you are a black person then do not shake the hand so firmly.
3. When applying for a job be sure to tailor your resume to the job posting. Are you using the same exact words in your resume as in the posting? Mold yourself to fit the job, but don’t just stop there. Do you look like the hiring manager? Are you speaking like them? Do you sleep when they sleep? Do you dream their same dreams?
4. Do not be discouraged by companies who ghost you after one or even three interviews. Understand that they do this because there is no legal way to tell you that you did not get the job because you are not a white man.
5. File for unemployment early if necessary and attend any local job fairs with openings that suit your skills. Ignore the fact that the majority of the other attendants are women, older people, and people of color. One of the attendants may be a pregnant woman who walks timidly into the room. She may take a seat near you while her belly barely fits into the gap between the chair and the desk. She may ask a lot of questions and you may overhear her tell another person that she was laid off. There may be a bilious rage in the pit of your stomach and you may know this as despair.
“One of the attendants may be a pregnant woman who walks timidly into the room.”
6. Don’t listen to the advice of job recruiters. They are fools. If one of their ideas helps you then know that this help is purely coincidental. Apply that same logic to this list.
7. If you score an interview then devote time to researching the company. A good google news search will produce several pertinent points of conversation for your interview. You will also invariably come across various company misgivings; crimes against the state, crimes against humanity, victim testimonials, etc. It would be wise to ignore these negative stories as they do not directly apply to your particular application and have more to do with the general ongoing downfall of capitalism.
8. Review the details of your resume before a call or an interview and turn them into an engaging story. Did you start as a low-level employee and quickly rise to the role of manager? Did your job shift halfway through, and did this new role inspire the future of your career track? Learn your story and be prepared to recite it during your interview. Did you embellish any part of your resume? Good. All great stories are based on lies. Grow the lie, give it life, make yourself the hero. As a wise woman once said: “Don’t dream it, be it.”
9. Don’t forget who you are.
10. Faraway from where you live, in the mountains, or a forest glade, or a lake, you may find yourself holding hands with your beloved, or surrounded by friends or family, and you may witness a spectacular view containing such a great and ample beauty that you will briefly forget the drudgery of your job, your unemployment, your poverty, your job search. Cherish that feeling.
11. Always prepare an elevator pitch before an interview. What is an elevator pitch? It used to be a very quick way for men to sexually harass women while they were both trapped in an elevator. It has since been reclaimed by salespeople and the worst hiring managers.
12. A hiring manager or recruiter who makes it a point to only hire candidates who send thank you notes is really only looking for boot lickers. Do not send a thank you note in the hope that it will get you an offer. Send a thank you note because it is the right thing to do. Because thanking people is a skill that builds your character. For more on the incidental nature of recruiters see # 6 on this list.
13. Toni Morrison distilled the following advice from her father. She said: “Whatever the work is, do it well—not for the boss but for yourself. You make the job; it doesn’t make you. Your real life is with us, your family. You are not the work you do; you are the person you are.” You should make some time to read Toni Morrison.
14. If you are asked “What is your biggest weakness?” during an interview then consider the fact that the interviewer doesn’t know what they are doing. Use this knowledge against them.
15. The easiest way to land a job is through a referral within your network. Think about this for a second. What is the best way for society to consolidate power than to play structural keep-away with high-paying jobs, education, and housing? This sort of advice masks our deep history of bigotry and redlining. It is obviously code for “like people hire like people” presented as innocuous advice. By all means, network, and leverage your privilege to get a job, because that is what your privilege is for. At any rate, yes, the easiest way to land a job is through a referral.
16. Prepare a sharp business outfit for your interview that is pressed, tailored, and clean. Any sign of unkemptness will reveal your class difference to the hiring manager who will immediately void any skills and experience that you have to offer.
17. The people who love you believe in you more than you may believe in yourself. This may be a scary thought at first if you really think about it. You can easily fall into worry that you may disappoint them. This feeling is valid if not also fleeting. The truth is you cannot fail them if you are true and you are just. The key is not to measure yourself against their love, but to enjoy your time with them. For more on this see # 9 on this list.
18. You must be strong even as your country tries to kill you. You must remove from your mind the fact that your government is locking your people in cages, that your courts are ruling on the merits of your life, that your neighbor’s children are laughing at all of this, mocking your place among them. You must show up, shake hands with your hiring manager, firmly or not so firmly, watch their pupils as they scan the surface of your skin, and you must endure. Then you must always remember to send a thank you note.