Breadcrumb #583

LAWRENCE BULLOCK II

I call her the rose that was thrust from concrete
Beauty that broke the ceiling of that which
Was meant to keep her entombed
Blood-soaked she is for she had to utilize 
Great effort to bloom

She told me that each plant
That has ever been given to her dies
A gift from each man she meant
Dying while in their sun-scorched pots
Exhausted she is as her scream focuses into other things

How many moons must pass by before the heart
Begins to wilt from the constant let downs
She broke through cement slabs to be here
Now she finds it difficult to water herself
I tell her…that is why those other flowers dry out

You are the plant that needs the substance
When a flower is this parched
It will seek out any source of moisture 
So it can have a fighting chance to continue
It only takes such little effort for a heart to dry out into a desert

Only so much pleasure
To be had before even the stimulation falters
Without water there is no recovery
Without the love for self-there is a decreasing chance of blooming next season
You can be surrounded by an entire forest
And still find out 
That even when the rest are looking healthy
You are still somehow starving
That is why you will find dead patches amongst a rich green

If you are not able to see
The beauty within your own stem
It will not take long
Before other plants including trees
Attempt to take the last bit of your ability to break through.

• • •

Breadcrumb #582

STEVE CARR

My white, linen shirt clings to my skin, glued there by sweat drained from by my body by the oppressive heat and humidity. Sitting on the front porch of the bungalow that stands alone on a plot of land carpeted with with common nut sledge, I swat away the large flies with a bamboo fan while sipping on tepid tea. The air is alive with the constant hum of insects and the chirping of the pied mynas whose nests fill the enormous banyan trees that encircle the village. Several young boys are  kicking a ball to one another on the dirt road that passes in front of the bungalow, but is an offshoot of the main road that cuts through the village. The boys play silently, the only noises they make being the impact of their bare feet against the ball, or an occasional whoop of excitement, uttered by accident; they have been told not to disturb the new missionary and his wife.  

The screen door opens and my wife, Leah, steps out of the bungalow onto the burlap welcome mat she bought in New Delhi before we caught the train that took us to the nearest village to this one, which is a hundred miles away. We came to this village by riding in a rickety, crowded bus, the only two white people aboard the bus. The dust blew in through the open windows covering our clothes with a thin layer of light brown powder and dirtying our faces. The word welcome is written in Hindi on the welcome mat.    

“It’ll be dark soon. Ananya is preparing dinner now,” Leah says as she goes to the porch railing, leans against it, her body limp, her limbs dangling in a way that resembles a wilting plant, and watches as one of the boys picks up the ball and runs down the road. He’s chased by the others, all disappearing beyond the banyan trees. She slaps at a flying insect from in front of her face and says, “We’ve been here a month and every day is the same.”

“I warned you that you might find it boring,” I tell her as I hold hold the cup of tea over the railing, and dump out the last of it. “Perhaps if you became more involved at the school . . .” 

Leah quickly turns, as if shot through by a jolt of electricity, her eyes lit with fire. “Nothing I know would be of any use to the children of this village,” she says with a mixture of venom and embarrassment. It’s her way of reminding me, again, that she only has a high school education. “If only you had told me the truth about where we were coming to!” she exclaims, her voice crackling with rage. As if escaping a sinking ship she rushes to the screen door, but there she abruptly stops as if reminded that in all of India there’s nowhere else for her to go, and gazes at me with the compassion fit for a man about to face a firing squad. “I’ll come get you when dinner is ready,” she says softly, and goes in.

                                                                      #

The dining room is aglow from the flames of the lanterns that set on tables in each corner in the room. Faded, worn, tapestries with traditional depictions of  the Hindu Gods Vishnu, Brahma, and Shiva hang on the walls. Their edges flutter, stirred by the breeze from the slowly rotating blades of the ceiling fan located above the table. On one wall there is a simple wooden cross. The window is closed, shutting out the invasion of insects that usually occurs every dusk. The loud, menacing growl of a tiger that roams the border of the village and has killed two of the villagers can’t be kept out; it’s a reminder that there are dangers that lurk about here unlike the dangers back in Minnesota.

Their edges flutter, stirred by the breeze from the slowly rotating blades of the ceiling fan located above the table.

Ananya pushes open the swinging door that separates the kitchen from the dining room and enters carrying a tray holding four bowls and a plate of naan. As she walks in she brings with her the scents of  saffron, garam masala, curry, and cinnamon. She’s wearing a bright yellow sari that wraps around her slender body in layers and drapes over her black hair. There’s a vermilion dot in the middle of her forehead; she’s a married woman. The silver bracelets on her wrists jingle as she places the tray on the table. Silently she scoops servings of rice, vegetable masala, and fish rubbed with spices on our plates, and puts slices of mango and naan on smaller dishes next to the plates.

“This looks delicious, Ananya,” I say as I inhale the spices wafting from the masala.

She nods and smiles wanly, but doesn’t look at me. Her eyes are the shape of almonds and her dark skin the texture of silk. In the month we’ve been here she has said less than a dozen words to me. We watch each other warily. Her glances are always furtive; my stares are direct. 

She turns her gaze to Leah and after a moment of searching the inscrutable expression on my wife’s face, she says, “I hope this is to your liking, Mahodaya.” She never calls my wife by her name, but instead uses the Hindi word for madam.

Leah blinks hard, as if suddenly awakened and stares down at the fish. “There wasn’t any chicken?” she asks.

“You asked that I cook fish, Mahodaya,” Ananya replies. barely able to mask the hurt in her tone.

Leah looks at Ananya, smiles warmly, and gently places her hand on Ananya’s arm. “Oh yes, forgive me Ananya, I forgot.”

“Tell me, Ananya. Doesn’t your husband mind that you cook for us every night?” I ask as I shovel a chunk of potato dripping with reddish-brown curry sauce into my mouth.

Ananya adjusts a bracelet on her wrist, averts her eyes from mine, and says, “My husband is working in New Delhi while I remain here to look after our parents.” She repositions the cloth that covers her hair. “Will there be anything else?” She’s looking at Leah when she asks this.

“Not for now,” Leah and I say in unison.

For the remainder of the meal Ananya remains in the kitchen. Leah is quiet throughout the meal, studying her plate as if it were a getaway map. When we finish eating, Leah helps Ananya clear the table. Before leaving the dining room I hear the two of them in the kitchen whispering and giggling like school girls. There’s a musicality to their merriment, like the warbling of song birds

                                                                     #

Seeing Leah through the mosquito netting around the bed is like looking at her through a gauzy mist. She’s sitting on the stool to the vanity dresser and staring at her reflection in the mirror as she takes long, slow strokes with the brush through her blonde hair. The bedroom has the scent of jasmine, the fragrance of the perfume she sprays on her wrists before coming to bed. 

“Ananya is very pretty, don’t you think?” I ask. 

“You’re just now noticing?” Leah replies. She places the brush on the dresser, stands and removes her robe. She’s wearing the pale blue nightgown she wore during our honeymoon the year before. Walking to her side of the bed she appears to float, like an apparition. She extinguishes the flame in the lantern by the bed and climbs in. I reach over to touch her, to caress her.

“Not tonight,” she says. 

I then notice in the ambient light two of Ananya’s bracelets on Leah’s wrist. “Did Ananya give those to you?” I say.

“Of course,” Leah says. “She wants me to feel less lonely.”

The cotton sheet that covers my body suddenly feels like a pile of rocks, pinning me to my place in the bed. 

                                                                    #  

The school is a large one room structure built of cinder blocks brought here from New Delhi. It’s unpainted and there is no glass in the four windows and no door. The thirty-one students share desks that have broken tops and wobbly seats. There’s a crack down the center of the blackboard. I teach the upper grades in English, while Mehul teaches the younger grades in Hindi. Mehul is a bachelor and lives alone in a small shack behind the school. He’s made it clear that he resents that I live in the finest house in the village that is paid for with foreign currency.

“Your brand of modern colonialism is no better than the old colonialism,” he told me angrily the first day we met.

Other than to discuss students, he rarely talks to me.

I’m at the blackboard and writing verbs when I hear shouts and screaming coming from the center of the village. The students rush to the windows and climb on one another to see what is happening. “Haathee,” they begin to yell with panicked excitement. I stand behind them and see villagers running toward the direction of the bungalow.

“What is it?” I say to Mehul who is standing in the doorway.

“Elephants are on their trail,” he says. “They are extremely dangerous.”

“Where’s the trail?”

“It runs alongside where you’re living.”

I push him aside and run out of the school and down the road, shoving aside the villagers who have clogged the road to get a glimpse of the elephants. They’ve seen wild elephants before of course, but their fear of and fascination with them is palpable; they gawk, but stand ready to run. I’ve only seen elephants in zoos. I stop fifty yards from the bungalow and see that Leah is standing in the yard with Ananya, not ten yards away from an enormous bull elephant and a smaller, albeit still large, cow. The elephants have stopped and are rocking back and forth, waving their trunks, and flapping their ears. The bull’s bellowing is deafening. There is no actual trail, but where they stand is the same path the elephants take whenever they enter the village. 

Then the bull charges at the women.

Helplessly I watch as Ananya pushes Leah aside and out of the path of the charging elephant, and shouts as she waves her arms. With all the ferocity of a runaway train the elephant knocks her to the ground and then tramples on her. Their rampage done, the two elephants run into the brush beneath the banyan trees and disappear from sight.    

I reach Leah as she begins to crawl to the broken body of Ananya. I take her in my arms and  rock her as she wails.

“She was in love with me,” Leah says, choking back a sob.

I want to respond, to explain that if Ananya had actually been in love with her, it was meaningless.

She looks into my eyes, possibly searching for my soul, and says, “I was in love with her too.”

• • •

Breadcrumb #581

TUCKER LIEBERMAN

Between swipes of the rolling lighthouse beam,
the grandmother lives in uncertain borders.
She smiles from an archaic marble balcony
with a sea-lapped railing, untraceably narrow.
She is an architect of bondage.
Her table is covered with leftovers.
The sages walk down the dunes, wishing, conspiring,
and, far down the sandy road,
the warriors out-gather, circling camp,
swaying with the hunt in the torchlight.
Your spirit is in close rapport with them,
with the leftovers fed to horses,
with the flotsam turned up by the lighthouse beam,
with the prey scared stiff by the torchlight.
Everything is public, and secret embarrassment is rare
in this patterned reactive universe,
between swipes of the rolling lighthouse beam.

• • •

Breadcrumb #580

LISA FRIEDLANDER

Angry men say something has been taken:

Woman
Child
Job
Money
Health
Car
House
Homeland
Dignity
Respect
Self-worth
Freedom
Opportunity
Faith
Love

His story.

My new client has arrived on time. I know because from the parking lot two floors below my office I hear loud hacking and coughing and look out the long windows to see a large man, head bowed over the bushes vomiting. More coughing, hands on his hips, eyes closed as he rears his head back. More vomiting. His wife, whom he said on the phone he would bring, places her hands over her ears. That says a lot. But what? Her adaptation to his large everything, body, sounds, footsteps on the stairs? Is it practiced annoyance? Mere precaution? She arrives first. I open the door to the waiting room, and she says, “Bob is coming. He wanted me to tell you. I will tell you he’s nervous.”

She smiles at me sweetly, nodding as if we are coconspirators already. She’s involved involved. The kind of involved most therapists caution against—enabling, infantilizing, controlling. But I don’t know her story.  I don’t know how Carol got here with Bobby to this parking lot—to the parking lot of his life. I’ve agreed to see him because his psychiatrist referred him to me and I find it hard to refuse. 

His story begins with love, laughs, Christmas presents, soccer. A bit of class clown.  A soupcon of daring. A dollop of inattention. Bobby is playful and has friends. 

And then his well-meaning parents read him the book about adoption. Overnight a changeling insinuates himself under Bobby’s skin; peers out of his eyes as he brushes his teeth. He has always hated brushing his teeth, the foam gathering around his lips and coating his tongue. Even his teeth feel like changeling teeth. Someone didn’t want him. Every ounce of him, no matter how big he will grow. 

Why would someone give him away? In this second story, Bobby finds creative ways for girls, places of employment, high school cliques not to want him: he often refuses to show up, doesn’t finish homework, slams his way in and out of doors he perceives as hostile points of entry, can’t discern the poetic moment or even a graceful angle for a first kiss. Something always gets in the way.

Except for the one history teacher in high school, long remembered, who treated Bobby like he had something to say; talked with him as if he had in him a future adult; not as if he were condemned to continue forever as an unruly adolescent and utter failure. 

“I got the highest grade in that class, with or without a curve.” Exceptions to rules glisten, like diamonds spewed upward through volcanic pipes, having undergone the greatest of pressures. In Mr. Harry Harrison’s tenth grade history class Bobby wanted to shine. He mined the force of ambition. Here it is, the carbon bedrock that compelled him to succeed, now buried deeply again. And for over two decades. He must advance this long-ago success to present purpose. 

In my excitement I lean forward. I want to elevate and polish off this gem. To make him look at it like a guiding talisman. But I, like his wife Carol, would be involved-involved. And she has that right. His successes are hers. His failures hers. I sit back instead. I notice that even Carol has scooched a few inches from his side after giving his hand a squeeze. She makes room for him to expand. I need to let him tunnel his own way out of the mine.

At twenty he sought out his biological mother. In this peripheral story Bobby wondered if he had missed the fame and fortune his birth parents may have enjoyed. Trips to the Galapagos, vast libraries, and access to the worldly and wise. He knocked on the dented door of the trailer.

Exceptions to rules glisten, like diamonds spewed upward through volcanic pipes, having undergone the greatest of pressures.

And there she stood, graying split ends for hair, teeth missing, including one right in the front of her mouth, a cigarette hanging from her lip as if it will never go out, the room smoky behind her. 

“I have one question,” Bobby said he said. “Why did you get rid of me?” 

She tokes. He waits.

“You wouldn’t have made it to two.”  She blows smoke from the side of her mouth, so it misses his face. Bobby stands there speechless. Frozen. But then she goes on.

“I was a prostitute. An addict. I would have sold you for a forty-dollar bag.” She looks at his face. Bobby turns around. Across the dirt road, a door opens on another banged up trailer with “Crazi” spray painted on it.  He learns that the young woman with the baby is his half-sister. And there’s a half-brother, younger, who’s gone somewhere, and neither of them know where. “I planned on naming you Richard William Phayle.”

Bobby looks me right in the eyes. “Richard William Phayle! My sister laughed and laughed.”

 I am supposed to understand something but miss it completely until he shortens the name.

“Dick Will Fail.”

The name is cruel but clever. I compose my face as Bobby says he stood there speechless; his insides rearranging themselves, churning up a steaming hunk of failure which heralded the future and explained for him the recent adolescent past. Bobby turned ‘Failure’ into the title of his whole story. He even tried to get his sister and her baby to leave with him. Maybe he could rescue her? But she turned away, shutting the door of her trailer as if nothing, certainly not meeting him, could change anything for her. 

Failure has lasted a long time, like a curse. Chapters of inconsistent employment. Fuck-ups at jobs. Women who’ve cheated on him. Motorcycle accidents. Drinking his meals.

And guilt. For leaving behind the half-sister who refused to go with him. And his own son, just turning 18, with whom he hasn’t spoken since the kid was 3. 

Bobby stopped paying child support when the mother refused to let the boy go with him. In court, the judge said he had had options. He could have called the police. He could have taken her to court. He could have paid his support anyway. With a single slam of the gavel, Bobby lost all custody and the rights to visitation. 

Bobby worries about whether his slurry of DNA must dominate the nurturing, environmental mold into which the adoption cast him. And beyond his own person, will it seep further into the fibers of his son’s being. The son he does not know.

This, the snapshot version, moves me. The outline needs fleshing out. He hopes we will compose a reclamation story. His hope is another gem. That he is already loved and wanted by Carol. Not to mention his steadfast adoptive parents. But I hold back from writing the story for him. Or favorably reinterpreting the story of his drugged-up prostitute of a mother. She had a sense of humor after all, even in the curse, “Dick Will Fail.” She knew he’d have been sold and raped or left for dead or dropped off on a random doorstep if had she not given him up for adoption. She could have aborted in the first place. She didn’t even have to be honest. 

*********************

Dawn brought a brief, deep coral to the sky above the lake. By the time I’d washed my face and brushed my teeth and put on the coffee it had dissipated, the sky more matte, more gray-blue.  The charcoal mountains in the distance gently convex like leavening bread, rising.

Isn’t it our bodies’ vertical orientation in space that, having risen from sleep or dream, offers up those ambitious trajectories skyward and forward? And yet, stepping outside, I feel beneath the softness of my belly and barely shielded heart, such quaking.

Like Bobby, I want, but lack cohesion. Like Bobby, I am a motley collection of characters—angels, demons, fighters, dreamers, lost souls. Like Bobby, I worry about which ones win. And by what influence each character’s story gets scripted? The primordial soup of DNA, elusive memories, recycled emotions, introjects?

**************************

Here we are, in my office again, a tiny point in the universe, attempting new narratives that make walking upright just a little easier. That jostle the residents inside, those naysayers and overactive guilt glands, those that give up before trying, the ones with bright eyes that hold out hope. 

By the time Bobby walks out my door, we are characters in each other’s stories, scribbling together.  He, the author and me, the nosy editor, asking for more explanation here, and less amplification there, and how well does all of it fit? Who are the possible, future selves? And when will they appear?

As I write my session notes, I scream down one long page from birth to death. We are here and not here. Just a click. Delete. 

Bobby makes an appointment for next week.  

This work together will go on. He does not vomit in the parking lot now. We have begun to mean something to each other. 

• • • • • • • • •

Breadcrumb #579

LYNNE SCHMIDT

I want him to tell me
It’s okay to be a mess
That these scrapes on my palms
Will scab over soon
And not scar like the other messes I’ve made.

I want him to tell me
That he doesn’t need an apology,
That needs me as much as I need him,
And some how the magic of forgiveness
Will sprinkle its pixie dust all over us
And we’ll be found in the woods
Holding hands again.

I want him to tell me
He’s sorry for my loss,
And say maybe he wasn’t there last time,
But he’s here now
And somehow have it be enough
To reaffix the splinters
In my bone marrow.

But most of all,
I want him to come back.

• • •