Breadcrumb #103


"What do you do for a living?" they ask.

     "I do sales."

     It's an easy question, one we hear all the time. Everyone has the built in answer. I do accounting, I do manual labor, I'm in the union, I'm a waiter. Doesn't matter. We all know what pays the bills.

     "Do you see this as a career?" they ask.

     Here's where the answer changes. A career is full-time. A career is the thing you pursue outside of just the 9-5. A career you see growth.

     9-5 I'm productive. I do well. Great even. I'm one of the few people who figured out my skill set and grabbed ahold of it.      To you my job sounds like a career.

     But let's think about this. Career implies I think about it outside of 9-5. I strive to be better. I strive to reach the next level. I am here because I know I'm qualified, I know I'm persistent, I know that when the time comes I'm ready for the next level.

     I should think about my "career" from the moment I wake up, until the moment I fall asleep.

     Here is where the issue lies.

     Some of us will focus on work. Some of us will focus on love. Some of us will focus on ourselves.

     There's a select few who will focus on taking care of ourselves, taking care of 'the pain.' We self diagnose, self medicate our problems away, and know the prescription from day one.

     We will not get the credit we deserve. Waking up to stomach lining vomit, but still making it through a day at the office. Sitting around literally thinking about the next time we get to imbibe alcohol. These things are seen as childish, irresponsible, and dumb. 

Sitting around literally thinking about the next time we get to imbibe alcohol.

     Somehow we muscle through. Day after day. We walk in each morning knowing the hill is steep, but we walk upwards. Sisyphus himself would be proud.

     We move forward against a downward sloping spiral of addiction and depression, anxiety, or a number and combination of a million other ailments.

     "What do you do for a living?" they ask.

     "I do sales."

     "What's your career?"

     "My career? I'm an alcoholic. I'm passionate about it. I think about it every second of everyday. I slowly improve upon yesterday. Each and every day I think about, 'Where does my next drink come from?' and how can I get there?"

     I pursue my alcoholism every fucking day. 24/7. It's my passion. It's the one thing I give up everything else for. I have destroyed relationships, burnt bridges, lost jobs, ruined sex, killed my social life, fell out with family, been excommunicated, isolated myself, missed funerals, missed weddings, missed life for it. That's a career, that's my full time job. And I do it really well. I am dedicated.

     You ask what I do for a living and I'll tell my "9-5."

     You ask about my career, my passion? You'll run. This takes dedication, and quite frankly, I don't think you can handle it.

     Because deep down in my heart I know if I stop I will die. Not from withdrawal, maybe not even of suicide, but just of sadness.

     I should goddamn well be able to put that on my resume, but the references would be fucked.

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