I apologize about the poor Wi-Fi reception down here in my Sea-Cave. I will try to boost the signal but I make no guarantees. There are some advantages of living here in the Sea-Cave. Everyone in the Sea-Cave is pro-choice and equal opportunity is a key component of our thriving community. There are hardly any distractions so you can fully focus on your art. I’m about three chapters away from completing my novel. It’s a romance story set in Arizona. I’ve never been there but I think it’s a magical place.
Due to the fungus and the stench emanating throughout the Sea-Cave, gentrification is unlikely. No artisanal muffin yogurt shops down here, which I’m sure you know is a great plus for the neighborhood. Oh and our crime rate has dipped significantly since we kicked Gary out.
I know this isn’t what you had in mind but we can make the best of it. I built a bookshelf for you out of the remnants of a rowboat. And these seashells can make for a good towel. If you’re a person who’s always wanted a waterbed well then this curse is really just your good fortune, right? Hahaha…oh I apologize. Too soon, I guess.
I recognize my part in all this but that sorcerer was a little over zealous, no? People commit countless acts of eco-terrorism yet I don’t see my waters being filled with beatniks cursed to live down here for 12,000 years. I guess what I’m trying to say is that what you did for my tentacle friends was very kind of you. I have been trying to convince anyone who would listen to me that when the blood moon hangs high in the sky, it is imperative that we use 17 sticks of dynamite to blow up the aquarium tanks in San Diego but you, you were the first person who actually treated me with respect. And it is because of this that I am willing to split my Sea-Cave with you. We can haggle over the rent and utilities later.
When you think about it, this 12,000-year curse came at a rather fortuitous time for you. You were in between jobs and Gary was finally evicted from the Sea-Cave condominium complex. And you and I click so well! You eat dried seaweed! That is literally all I consume! If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it wasn’t an ancient curse that brought us together, it was fate.
I’ve never told anyone this before but it can get kind of lonely down here in my Sea-Cave. I know, I know. You think I sound crazy because after all, how can such a good-looking creature like myself every feel alone. It’s just that, tentacles and enormous claws aside, I don’t have a lot in common with my friends. But when you look into my three eyes, I feel like I’m in one of those Nicholas Sparks novels. I think we have a connection that, against all odds of nature, doesn’t feel wrong because it feels so right.
Oh one more thing, about every other week or so my buddies and I swim to the surface and abduct a few humans for The Offering. You might like it, we sing songs and chant for Cthulhu and then feast on the flesh of our human prisoners. So I was thinking when my friends come over, we’ll just have to make sure you wear something that will differentiate you from the human meat puppets we like to devour. I would hate to nosh on a person as lovely as you.
I think you will learn to love it down here in my Sea-Cave. It’s a beautiful place to learn to love again.