Breadcrumb #405


My mother taught me that

Empty stomachs

Are good sources of

Renewable energy.

She never served a meal

On a paper plate.

My father is 45 feet tall;

and, on occasion, an optical illusion.

He’s been standing

At a roadside rest stop

Halfway between Medellin and Bogota

For the past 37 years.

He gave me

An appreciation of silence

And showed me how

To hold a candle

With a phantom limb.

Albert Einstein was an eclipse of the sun

Caused by well-placed wooden nickel.

He once explained how mutual attraction

Turns me into a liar.

And sugartooth,

I can’t forget about you.

Thank you for teaching me

How to sell my inheritance

On Craig’s List

For a few shots of Jameson,

Broken Blood vessels

And fragmented memories

of bathroom floors.

As you might be able to tell

My blood has been curdling

For some time now.

That being said

Thanks to Howard Dean,

for teaching me how to

Effectively express that feeling.

And, of course,

Thank you to Jesus

For giving me an

Irritable amount of intestinal fortitude

and an extremely short memory.


Nothing but love

For my bartender,

Who happens to have

A very comfortable couch.

An adult diaper

Full of the Oedipus complex

For my therapist,

Who happens to look a lot

Like my bartender

Salutations to Irish whiskey

And all of her friends;

For teaching me

About the burning sensation

That is a symptom of humility.

Much love to

all of my sock puppets,

current and deceased,

for teaching me

the finer points of

mental health awareness.

My love to

the necromancy department

at the museum of natural history

for resurrecting ancient history

and ensuring that Jeff Golblum

will destroy us all.

And, quite honestly,

The biggest, most erect,

Showing of gratitude to god itself.

Thank you for minding

Your own business

While watching me masturbate.

While watching me run in circles.

Thanks for providing me

With the illusion of agency.

You’re correct,

I meant to go face first

Down those staircases.

I know that you and my NSA agent

Are both very good listeners.

Which, is maybe

The only reason why

I feel it’s even somewhat necessary

To appear appreciative

For the loss

That I’ve been given.

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