Breadcrumb #405
BUTTERED ROLL
My mother taught me that
Empty stomachs
Are good sources of
Renewable energy.
She never served a meal
On a paper plate.
My father is 45 feet tall;
and, on occasion, an optical illusion.
He’s been standing
At a roadside rest stop
Halfway between Medellin and Bogota
For the past 37 years.
He gave me
An appreciation of silence
And showed me how
To hold a candle
With a phantom limb.
Albert Einstein was an eclipse of the sun
Caused by well-placed wooden nickel.
He once explained how mutual attraction
Turns me into a liar.
And sugartooth,
I can’t forget about you.
Thank you for teaching me
How to sell my inheritance
On Craig’s List
For a few shots of Jameson,
Broken Blood vessels
And fragmented memories
of bathroom floors.
As you might be able to tell
My blood has been curdling
For some time now.
That being said
Thanks to Howard Dean,
for teaching me how to
Effectively express that feeling.
And, of course,
Thank you to Jesus
For giving me an
Irritable amount of intestinal fortitude
and an extremely short memory.
Nothing but love
For my bartender,
Who happens to have
A very comfortable couch.
An adult diaper
Full of the Oedipus complex
For my therapist,
Who happens to look a lot
Like my bartender
Salutations to Irish whiskey
And all of her friends;
For teaching me
About the burning sensation
That is a symptom of humility.
Much love to
all of my sock puppets,
current and deceased,
for teaching me
the finer points of
mental health awareness.
My love to
the necromancy department
at the museum of natural history
for resurrecting ancient history
and ensuring that Jeff Golblum
will destroy us all.
And, quite honestly,
The biggest, most erect,
Showing of gratitude to god itself.
Thank you for minding
Your own business
While watching me masturbate.
While watching me run in circles.
Thanks for providing me
With the illusion of agency.
You’re correct,
I meant to go face first
Down those staircases.
I know that you and my NSA agent
Are both very good listeners.
Which, is maybe
The only reason why
I feel it’s even somewhat necessary
To appear appreciative
For the loss
That I’ve been given.