Breadcrumb #142

BARB ROSINSKI BENINCASA

Life equals a big, big mess. Nobody plans it that way, but shit happens. It begins with those diapers. When you become a parent, nobody tells you that you will be changing not only the diaper, but the cute little outfit and the perfectly coordinated crib sheets, multiple times the day you come home from the hospital. So much for the illusion of the perfect life.

    When you get the middle of the night phone call that your parent is dead, you think that life cannot go on. Who is going to love you unconditionally? Who is going to slip you a few bucks to buy something that you don't really need? Who is going to call you "kid?" Yet, you look into the eyes of your child and realize that it is your turn to do those things for somebody else. Life does go on and it is a big, big mess.

    When you find out that the love of your life doesn't love you anymore, you panic. You say "I cannot be a single parent." You go to therapy and courtrooms, places you thought were for "other people." You come out of the ordeal wounded, just hoping your pain won't ruin the lives of those beautiful children. Life does go on and it is a big, big mess.

    When you watch your best friend in the world lose her child, it is so fucking unfair. You rail at the universe, wondering why it is so cruel. You attend a funeral you never expected. You never forget his name, his birthday, or to talk about him. Life does go on and it is a big, big mess.

“You rail at the universe, wondering why it is so cruel. You attend a funeral you never expected.”

    You step on Legos and action figures in the middle of the night, because you hope that leaving them out encourages your children to build worlds in which they are powerful. You buy paints and crayons and markers and get giant refrigerator boxes so that your kids can build structures to take them to the safe, happy places of their imaginations. Life does go on and it is a big, big mess.

    You get in trouble at work because you just cannot keep your mouth shut. You want others to see that children are important. You speak up for what it right, even though it does not win friends or influence people. You go to a job every day in which you know you make a difference, even if your superiors feel otherwise. Life does go on and it is a big, big mess.

    But life is more than the shit that happens. It is also the realization that lagniappe comes out of those messy experiences. It is watching your children grow into men who create more beauty than you ever thought possible. It is seeing the children you've helped over the years become people who like to communicate. It is watching that best friend devote her life to bringing joy to children, in her son's memory. Here's to a life filled with big, big messes.

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Breadcrumb #73

BARB ROSINSKI BENINCASA

She was right where she wanted to be...

holding Daddy's hand as they paid for the comic book she'd read as she waited for him to finish
his work at the train station;

yelling "Watch me one more time, Mom" as she jumped into the cool Adirondack lake, twirling in the "spinny" dress, feeling the ever-elusive beauty of her body, for a moment in time;

looking into the eyes of her newborns, marveling at her ridiculous luck at birthing such perfection;

reading endless bedtime stories, stepping on lost Legos, and chasing superheroes holding action figures;

drinking hurricanes, shopping at the French market and eating beignets with the BFF who had shared her life since they were 10-year-olds;

hearing the words "The key to S's heart, as he proffered the plastic key that opened his world of autism — a world he shared with precious few.

She was right where she had to be... 

counting the five doctors sewing the gash on her 5-year old face, covered with a bandage that would become her kindergarten "show and tell" and, once removed, reveal a permanent scar;

working at the amusement park, the old soul who never fit in with the other, more carefree teenagers, to save money for the college degree that would be the ticket to changing lives;

testifying in the courtroom, awaiting the judge's decision, in a battle she never anticipated, with too much acrimony;

driving endless country roads, through abominable weather to get home to her boys, never wanting to miss a moment;

pacing hospital corridors, awaiting the results of the endless tests and surgeries her mother endured with a smile;

holding the hand of that same mother, as her palpable energy drained from the body that could no longer contain it;

lying on the surgery table, looking at the doctor who restored her hearing, crying with joy at the sounds to come.

She was right where she was at that moment...

saying "I do," one son escorting her down the aisle, to the other as officiant;

relishing the look on her husband's face when he walked through the door;

feeling the water of that Adirondack lake soothe her now-middle-aged body, but feeling like that little girl begging her mom to watch;

bursting with pride at her sons' creative accomplishments, realizing that her love of words and music were reflected in their souls.

She will be where life will take her...

reading anything and everything;

fighting the rumination that plagues her still;

listening to the sounds, the achingly beautiful sounds of her life;

wondering if she will still make a difference in this world;

cherishing every friendship, nurturing each with love and care;

missing the ones who shaped her, long gone from this world, but alive in her heart;

traveling with her husband, rejoicing in the new experiences;

getting lost, but knowing she will always end up where she is supposed to be;

singing with her out-of-tune, but extremely enthusiastic voice,

now that she is retired, but not done.

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