Lewis spent the majority of his free time on the forums. In fact, he spent much of his time on them during working hours as well. His boss knew, even though he liked to pretend he was stealthy about it. The theme of the forums, at first, didn’t matter. He’d hit the random button on the top of the homepage and voraciously read about other people’s passions. Once he’d had enough, he’d put in his two cents. Usually something along the lines of, “haha, go kill yourself.” He didn’t have to be eloquent, he didn’t have to debate. He just had to throw OP’s focus off themselves, for just a minute. Just long enough to make them question the validity of the thing they felt they knew better than anything else.
Lewis was a troll. It’s what he did best. This might have something to do with his crippling fear of others, and the outside world in general, but he would never admit it. He thought of himself as powerful — as xenophobic, overweight, and privileged basement dwellers are often wont to do. The time he spent belittling others from the safety of his computer screen felt like retribution. Retribution for the time he spent as his neighbor’s playground punching bag. He’d never forget the way it felt the first time he stopped a conversation in its tracks, tapping his fingertips together as a serious discussion devolved into nothing more than a 30-post dick joke.
That was until he found the sex advice forums. When he stumbled upon those, on a Tuesday slurping down his third glass of Mountain Dew, he felt like he’d walked into a chamber full of secrets. Here were the plebes he spent so much of his time looking down upon asking for advice on how to initiate a threesome within a long-term relationship. He was aghast; he couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea of one person sleeping with him, let alone two. He decided quickly not to post here with his regular username, Th3M4st3rACE. He didn’t want his comment history to tarnish the advice these frequent fornicators might have for him.
Sex was both a familiar and elusive act to Lewis. While he remained physically a virgin, he wasted hundreds of hours growing up watching pornography. Amateur, hardcore, softcore, web camming, hentai, BDSM — you name it, he’d devoted at least a week of his life poring over it. He wanted to be sure of what he liked when he finally lost his V-card. Especially since he’d always fully expected to pay for it. Until now.
Lewis dipped his toe into the board hesitantly at first. He made a fresh handle, BigShyGuy99, and wrote: “I’m an overweight 20-year-old with excellent computer skills, but I’m lacking in the social department. How can I get a date?” The answers poured in, and he didn’t know whether to be angry or touched. They ranged from short and sweet, like “Confidence is key my friend,” to outright disrespectful, like, “Throw on that fedora and Hawaiian shirt combo you love so much, neck beard. Some other goblin is bound to eat you up.” The irony of this last response was lost on him, but he didn’t let it deter his deeper exploration. He was confident that someone here had similar feelings and would maybe even meet up to try the glory hole he’d drilled into his bathroom wall.
He spent days talking with people he’d never met. He started cutting back on the Mountain Dew (three glasses a day instead of seven… Progress), and going for walks around the block. He didn’t stop eating pizza, but he was convinced that he was doing enough. But the lack of immediate results eventually frustrated him enough to abandon BigShyGuy99. He returned to Th3M4st3ACE and posted for his first time on the forum. Titled simply “take my virginity (NJ),” he crafted his most eloquent request: “You heard me. Fat, small-dicked loser seeking someone to take away his virginity, ASAP. Anytime, anywhere, anyone, just so long as you host.”
The utter lack of response broke his bloated grey heart. He amended the post, “EDIT: People are outright ignoring this. Jeeeeeesus that's fucking funny. Literally nobody on earth wants to fuck me. Guess I'm gonna die a virgin, you fucking assholes.” He spent the rest of the week in bed, wearing his collector’s edition Guy Fawkes mask and surfing Craigslist in search of an affordable prostitute.